My Brother and I

    I'm constantly amazed at how people become who they are. There are certain things in life that shape them out to who they turn out to be. Several things factor into that of course including relationships, familial, and personal crisis.

    I have a brother whom I love. I love him as much as any sister could love a brother but at some point in time we went wrong. Our personalities pulled us in two different directions and I can't help but feel a sense of loss because I've tried to put up with who I've become and at times I've accommodated who he has become and yet we're still at opposite ends of the spectrum because I feel as if he's still thinking of me as a child when in reality I'm not.

    In order for two people to grow and form a lasting relationship, especially with siblings, I feel that both people must accept that both parties have changed substantially since they were kids. I'm not a little girl anymore and I have opinions. I have feelings, thoughts, morals, principles, and limits. I'm twenty-two and I'm at a point in my life when what I do doesn't always revolve around my immediate family. The only consistency I have is my father and that's simply because we've worked out a partnership based on the fact that we both care and love each other. He's compromised for me and I for him.

    My brother is not perfect. No one in my family is. Neither of my brothers is perfect (just putting that out there before I start some kind of familial war). Perhaps I should save this for a time when I can speak to him personally but since the incident having to do with my boundaries and my insistence that actions have consequences, he hasn't answered my calls or when I attempt to speak to him on Facebook and there's just no other way to get this point across. And the funny thing is he probably won't even read this.

    I remember the day that the relationship with said brother changed forever. It set the tone for our future as siblings and it was…well, without any proper words to really convey the disappointment of an eleven year old I can only say that it hurt. The day started out fine, great in fact, with the promise of fun. My brother, whom I rarely saw at this point seeing as he was around the age I am now and too busy for very much family time, decided that a day with his sister was in order. He offered me a trip to the movies to see a recent release and excitedly I agreed to go. Halfway there, dressed as any eleven year old and eager for the popcorn and pickle, my brother turned to me and asked me if I'd mind if he invited a "friend". Of course, I didn't. And I wouldn't, I'd spent time with him and his "friend" at home before and we got along fine so I didn't mind. Back then I was the bubblegum on his shoe. So we arrived at the movies and I was still eager and happy. He bought our tickets and he bought me my snacks then we ushered in and took our seats. We weren't sitting for very long when he looks to me and tells me that he's going to go wait for his friend outside. "Okay, mom?" In my pre-adolescent innocence I conceded and he left. The lights dimmed and the trailers began and soon the movie was rolling and still my brother was not beside me. Half of the movie passed and then three quarters and finally, just as the movie was about to finish, my brother came back. I didn't say anything but as I sat there watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas I felt very much alone.

    That's when everything changed. After that things just progressed in a downward spiral. Disappointments piled and the relationship became frail and finally I simply couldn't take it anymore. My brother, who I worshiped, became someone I couldn't even respect anymore. I'm not writing this to berate anyone or to hurt anyone's feelings. I simply write because I feel and I need an outlet. One that won't tell me how I should proceed or what I shouldn't have said or what I need to say. I just need to get it out there so that even if it's one faceless person whom I'll never meet or speak to, maybe they'll get it. Maybe they'll get me and I won't have to explain myself. I won't have to tell them why I said this or why I did that. It's not that I don't want to be a part of people's lives, I just don't want to be used or overlooked.

    I'm not eleven years old anymore, big brother. And maybe, when you realize that, we can have a relationship again. Until then however, I suppose we'll simply have to deal with the fact that we'll have to be strangers for a little while until we can reunite and get to know each other all over again.

Un-dramatic Crossroads

    I don't want a dramatic life though that is what I find myself wishing when I watch my "shows". I put that in quotations because I don't want it to be confused with the same "shows" that stay-at-home moms refer to as "shows". I'm not interested in Soaps. I mean, regular, primetime shows. I don't want that to be my life. I mean, sure I wouldn't mind the money…who wouldn't? But I'm not into the dramatics. I don't know what would happen if I had to deal with a new highly stressful and dramatic moment every single week of my life. I think I'd go a little crazy. No, I want a quiet life. However I find myself at a crossroads in my life. I see several roads ahead of me and the decisions are not easy.

    One road I should not take though taking it would bring me a sense of fulfillment in an area of my life that I have not dealt with in over two years. That road is also only partially mine to take. I can put myself on it but without the other person to meet me halfway…it's not very likely.

    Another road is completely mine to travel. I have worked on something and I need to walk forward and take what I know is rightfully mine. All I need is a little faith from the right people.

    And the last road, though it is one that I travel, it is not in control. Constant construction, wear, and tear are inevitable and though it is slightly of my own doing most consequences are not in my control.

 

    So here I am, wondering what exactly it is that I can do to help my life move forward. I'm in debt, a debt that I have yet to REALLY start paying. Sending in one payment is not exactly something that I can consider a successful start. I need to tackle that and still concentrate on the other roads in my life that must be taken and one that I must choose to take even if the outcome may be painful. A decision that has its own consequences that do not only include me. So how do I make this decision? Everything takes risk…but how much risk is okay to take and when is it okay to risk someone else's well-being as well?

One Moment…

    There has, since the beginning of the relationship, been one moment unlike any other. It's the one that people forget or honestly never get to experience because their love was either not that great or not very innocent. Most relationships now-a-days are based on four fundamental reasons that I think can be summed up pretty easily: 1.Sex 2.Money 3.Convenience and 4.Responsability. How many men have married a woman because they've impregnated her or because they assumed it was due to her? How many women have thought about the safe choice because of financial standing? The list, I'm sure, goes on. But there is that thing that happens only once in your life, a moment of pure and unrelenting bliss that shatters the very physics of reality.

    Time stops. The clock hands aren't moving! Everyone is slowly going out of focus. I can't see their faces only one face. My body feels numb but so very much alive all at once. How can my body sing this loudly when I'm not even saying a word? And there's that glow. It's as if the sun has encompassed the world in its beautiful warm rays shattering the concept of shadow as the light shines brightly, illuminating my very core.

    It's a moment that until this day has yet to end. It's a moment etched in both time and the fabric of my very being. It's in my atoms, my soul, and heart. Life has moved on but that moment is forever there reminding one of the possibilities and promises of tomorrow. In my case, it was a day that never came. Time slipped from me taking with it the possibilities and promises of tomorrow. Instead I accepted the defeat and eventual compromise. Life would and had to go on. And I, for however long as I could manage, forgot my moment. I let it slide to the back of my head. I buried it deep inside myself and shut it away thinking of it only when I had to. That moment…that torturous moment that reminds me of what I had no chance to appreciate. I've had relationships. They've been okay. One I thought was forever but I'd forgotten that moment. I'd been deceived.

    Most people would tell me I'm being over dramatic. I suppose I am. Maybe they've never had that moment or they've buried it deep within themselves and refuse to bring it out. Life will go on, I know that. And my moment will be buried deep inside again. I'll eventually forget it; accept the final defeat and compromise to live a life without that moment. Maybe that moment will come in a different form. Maybe when (IF) I see the face of my first child that moment will re-emerge, enlightening my life once again. Maybe it'll come when I see my first grandchild. I can never know.

    Perhaps with a knife hanging over my head I'm clinging to something that three days from now I won't want. Perhaps that moment is better left buried…

    But that moment. That one moment.

    The one like no other I've ever had; my first kiss didn't live up to it and by all accounts that should have been the moment to trump the previous seeing as it was much more serious…but it wasn't.

    One moment…and my life was never the same. One moment and I know I'll find myself wondering. Maybe quietly, internally, never breathing a word to another soul, but I'll wonder.

Crappy Websites and Why They Anger Me...Sort Of

So I'm surfing the web and I come across a website (I shall not disclose the name less legal action be taken against me for expressing my opinion) and I can't believe how...naive, cynical, sexist, and just plain stupid it is. I understand expression and the fact that we are all entitled to free speech and press as dictated to myself and countless of first graders across the nation in the first amendment; What I do not understand is how a website (I believe was created for fun) could have taken such a reckless and assuming turn.

It's fine to debate the facts about relationships or politics or even the end of the world but for goodness sakes do it with a bit of credibility. As I was reading I felt like I was reading something written by...well...me, about a year ago. If you're going to post a fact then cite your source. I'm not saying limit what you have to say but present your information with a bit of knowledge and tact. I don't know why this website upset me so much. It was fine and "fun" as far as the site's main audience draw was concerned but come on, if you're going to blather on about tons of theories about the end of the world or why women suck at least put up your sources so that other people can make educated opinions about what you've written. Or in the case of the latter more than simply one experience. Perhaps even some testimonials from some readers or friends.

I honestly don't know why this site upset me so much! I've seen many blogs and sites dealing with pure conjecture and opinion but the way this one was written...it was as if someone literally read the first few lines of a few articles and wrote out lengthy paragraphs about what they thought was the truth. Then of course there was the blatant slander against women.

Now, I'm the first to admit that women are hard to live with. I'm a young woman in my twenties and I know that we can be manipulative, controlling, cruel, shameless, jealous, critical, superior (not in the good way), and even a little crazy but come on. The same thing could be said about men. To attack women so vehemently is just stupid. The lines I read in the "defense" of this so called list were conceived by what sounded like singled-handed experiences that all of a sudden define the gender of women all together.

I could also be wrong in my opinion but I have never presumed to write a lengthy blog spewed purely from the fringe of research, the edge of truth, or even the faintest touch of limited experience.

No one's perfect (seriously) but would it kill people to go back and read what they've written at least once just to make sure that "for" doesn't come out as "or"?

Profound but Forgotten

     Over the past two days I've had a number of profound thoughts. As I have them, I contemplate on them and then, when I finally think to write them down...I find that I've forgotten what the thoughts were. I'm not sure exactly why I forget them. They're deep thoughts; clear and...well...profound. But they're intangible. Almost as if they aren't mine. I can't keep a hold on them no matter how hard I try to keep a hold on them. I'm not going to make a big deal out of this. These thoughts are "seeing". Maybe I'm not meant to remember them or maybe I'm forgetting on purpose because I know that remembering them would...I don't know, confuse me? Whatever the reason, I'm going to ignore it. Maybe I'll find a notepad close enough one day for me to write them down in.
     I wonder if maybe I'm going crazy. But crazy people think they're sane, right? So I guess I'm alright...maybe...

Some Support

     I keep trying to find some support for my writing but I can't really seem to find any. I mean, I have some. I've gotten a fairly large stream from two friends who have read almost everything I've written. One more than the other. But I need more than two opinions. I'm still waiting for two opinions and who knows if I'll get them. Hopefully I will soon and I hope they're real opinions. By all means, I want to hear what people love about my stories but I also want to hear the bad. I need to know what I can improve in order to grow as a writer and thinker.

     Anywho, if there's any interest from people who will actually read my stuff let me know! I'd be glad to share.

I Miss the Action, Not the Boy

    I'm a big believer in missing the action but not the boy. What I mean when I say that is…I miss getting up at seven in the morning, going over to the boy's house to spend the whole day with him, but as soon as I'd get there we'd go right back to sleep. But I don't miss the boy or the boy's house or the boy's arms. I miss the feeling of getting up early, going to the house, and going right back to sleep while I was held. I miss the action, not the boy. When I think about the moment I don't think, "I miss the way his arms felt around me." I think: "I miss going to sleep as soon as I'd gotten there while I was held."

    Now, I'm not saying that any pair of male arms will do. But at the time the boy was special and if another pair of arms attached to another boy who was equally as special or perhaps and hopefully more so than that first one, then by all means…bring on the moment. I think when girls and guys separate from their partners, no matter how long the separation (but more than likes in a long term one like mine, it's been years), and they look back at what was done in the relationship most of the time they mistake the emotion they got while it was happening with the person they did it with. Most of the time it had nothing to do with the actual person but how you felt about the person at the time. It has to do with the feelings you had for the person.

    And although that person lead up to those feelings being there it, by no way, means that they are the only person capable of making you feel it. We don't need to look back or go back to feel it again but find someone who makes you feel even better than that person did and this time around it won't only be as satisfying but it'll also be better.