A Friendship Lost

    I recently had a falling out with a friend and to be honest I'm not sure exactly why. I feel hurt and though the remnants of that hurt is just a small scar now that still stings on occasion when you happen to get something tangy over it…

    I've had a lot of people defend said friend. I've heard arguments left to right. "Sixty days of honey moon." "Just afraid about how you'll react or act." "Perhaps you haven't tried hard enough." But all of these just sound like excuses to me. Then there was "you did the same thing. You'd blow me off." And *Matt was right. I did push him away and make excuses and just suddenly stop talking to him and others but I was in a part of my life that may not be as dark as some other people's but it was pretty dark compared to how I usually am. I'm not the type to go binge drinking or get high. I'm the type that cuts myself off from everyone because something's happened and I honestly can't deal with anyone.

    I made that mistake and even though it's what I needed at the time, just some alone time with me, I know that I hurt people and I'm really sorry that I did.

    But even though *Matt made that argument for my other friend it doesn't even compare. I cut myself off from *Matt because I needed some space to be me. To sort things out in my life. I cut myself off from almost all of my friends because something was wrong with me. But what this other friend did was suddenly say 'Oh, I've found someone else to spend time with, bye!' And though I know being in a new relationship is all good and dandy (heck if I was in a new relationship I'd probably want to spend as much time with my new beau as possible) but does that really have to mean cutting out one person—because as far as I know I'm the only one—completely? Friendships take work. Which is why I'm trying to make it up to *Matt now. I'm only glad it wasn't too late.

    But to this friend, if this friend even cares anymore, I say this:

    Please don't come back. You fooled me once and I forgave you because I thought the friendship was worth it. I knew that if we could just get over that hump then everything would be okay. And then things went back to normal. And then you did it again. I'm not filler. I'm not someone that you can have around when you feel lonely and then ignore when you don't. You hurt me, though it might not make sense to some people. There are those who don't think you're worth or ever were worth the time. But to me you were important. There's a small hole where your presence use to be but I don't need you to fill it anymore. I'm past that. I've moved on and hopefully you never miss our friendship because I won't be here when you do. IF and when you ever regret what's happened, don't call me, don't text me, don't email me. By then I'll have figured out some way to block you out of my memory completely. But please don't get me wrong. I wish you the best. I want you to have a happy life. I want you to experience every form of happiness possible but I don't want to know about it and I don't want to go back. Forward is the only way to go.

    To those of you who defended my old friend, I did listen to what you said. I did take it in and I did consider it logically and with as much of an unbiased mind as possible. I've always been able to look at a situation from the outside in so trust me when I say that I gave this a lot of thought. Now I can finally close this chapter of my life and start fresh.

    Goodbye, old friend.

*Names have been changed for privacy of those involved.

-StephAnnDLC-