I'm constantly amazed at how people become who they are. There are certain things in life that shape them out to who they turn out to be. Several things factor into that of course including relationships, familial, and personal crisis.
I have a brother whom I love. I love him as much as any sister could love a brother but at some point in time we went wrong. Our personalities pulled us in two different directions and I can't help but feel a sense of loss because I've tried to put up with who I've become and at times I've accommodated who he has become and yet we're still at opposite ends of the spectrum because I feel as if he's still thinking of me as a child when in reality I'm not.
In order for two people to grow and form a lasting relationship, especially with siblings, I feel that both people must accept that both parties have changed substantially since they were kids. I'm not a little girl anymore and I have opinions. I have feelings, thoughts, morals, principles, and limits. I'm twenty-two and I'm at a point in my life when what I do doesn't always revolve around my immediate family. The only consistency I have is my father and that's simply because we've worked out a partnership based on the fact that we both care and love each other. He's compromised for me and I for him.
My brother is not perfect. No one in my family is. Neither of my brothers is perfect (just putting that out there before I start some kind of familial war). Perhaps I should save this for a time when I can speak to him personally but since the incident having to do with my boundaries and my insistence that actions have consequences, he hasn't answered my calls or when I attempt to speak to him on Facebook and there's just no other way to get this point across. And the funny thing is he probably won't even read this.
I remember the day that the relationship with said brother changed forever. It set the tone for our future as siblings and it was…well, without any proper words to really convey the disappointment of an eleven year old I can only say that it hurt. The day started out fine, great in fact, with the promise of fun. My brother, whom I rarely saw at this point seeing as he was around the age I am now and too busy for very much family time, decided that a day with his sister was in order. He offered me a trip to the movies to see a recent release and excitedly I agreed to go. Halfway there, dressed as any eleven year old and eager for the popcorn and pickle, my brother turned to me and asked me if I'd mind if he invited a "friend". Of course, I didn't. And I wouldn't, I'd spent time with him and his "friend" at home before and we got along fine so I didn't mind. Back then I was the bubblegum on his shoe. So we arrived at the movies and I was still eager and happy. He bought our tickets and he bought me my snacks then we ushered in and took our seats. We weren't sitting for very long when he looks to me and tells me that he's going to go wait for his friend outside. "Okay, mom?" In my pre-adolescent innocence I conceded and he left. The lights dimmed and the trailers began and soon the movie was rolling and still my brother was not beside me. Half of the movie passed and then three quarters and finally, just as the movie was about to finish, my brother came back. I didn't say anything but as I sat there watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas I felt very much alone.
That's when everything changed. After that things just progressed in a downward spiral. Disappointments piled and the relationship became frail and finally I simply couldn't take it anymore. My brother, who I worshiped, became someone I couldn't even respect anymore. I'm not writing this to berate anyone or to hurt anyone's feelings. I simply write because I feel and I need an outlet. One that won't tell me how I should proceed or what I shouldn't have said or what I need to say. I just need to get it out there so that even if it's one faceless person whom I'll never meet or speak to, maybe they'll get it. Maybe they'll get me and I won't have to explain myself. I won't have to tell them why I said this or why I did that. It's not that I don't want to be a part of people's lives, I just don't want to be used or overlooked.
I'm not eleven years old anymore, big brother. And maybe, when you realize that, we can have a relationship again. Until then however, I suppose we'll simply have to deal with the fact that we'll have to be strangers for a little while until we can reunite and get to know each other all over again.
No comments:
Post a Comment